Composing = Torture!

So I'm really close to finishing this next album that I will most likely call "Tarradiddle". I don't like it that much... It's such a torture to compose these pieces. Some came sooo easily, like "Less Chess", and "Odd Logic", but most of the others are such a process of stripping every tiny bit of neurons, emotive receptors and tissue I have in my poor little brain. Everytime! It's such a therapy session with this "composing" thing. It always has to be a fight with myself, trying to break my record at challenging my right side so my left side can sleep a little. When one of the sides is asleep I really wonder what it is that comes out. Is this whole album just the most concrete form of my subconscious? Am I really THAT creepy? Or is it a healthy thing, all of it out, so I don't have to slam someone in the face? SOMEBODY TAKE ME IN!!!!!!! I started playing on the guitar the other day and found this cool chord progression I liked. Being that I can't play the guitar to save my cat's life, it went really fast to recording the main theme and working around it. What I had in mind was more like a song structure. What came out was more like the symbol of the frustration in not being able to write the god damn song! It sounds like a car being driven by a pimpled pre-teenager who still smells like soiled diapers... Foot on the gas, then really abruptly brakes. And it goes on and on and on like that. I guess technically it's exactly how I feel. Probably all the time! I'm nauseaus all the time... So yes, I will put it out, because I don't believe that I should spread its mold on my hard drive, and also because every musician has put out several crappy albums at one point or another, so I'm entitled! But I feel disappointed, it took me so long to throw up this bile. How long will it take me to put out a good one then? My mom says it's avant garde and that people don't understand it YET. YET? One more thing I can't do! I have not planned to be a musician since I was 3 so that people could NOT understand my music YET today! I wanted to be a recognized musician in MY time, fuck the future! I'm not asking to be Britney Spears here! I just want to make money doing this so I can keep doing it all my life! That's all! Nothing more, no riches needed, no chihuahua either! Just my Mike and a computer with an internet connection (oh, and a pot of Nutella, please?)! "Here, take my music, put it in your film if you want, give me a little check and I can raise my kids in the middle of Papua New Guinea and leave everybody alone!" On the positive side, this next album IS different from what I usually do. Ok there are the usual ambient pieces that I am good at making, but a few of the other pieces are very beat oriented which is rather strange behavior for me... Hopefully it's only a start and I'll be able to do it and actually make the music I'd like to make (ie. I don't know what really). Darn classical background. All I can make are those stupid long drones of eerie ghostly drawned voices in the key of gloom! Why can't I just compose a simple song that everyone would agree on? No, I have to compose something that people need to twitch to because it's "not what they expected"... GGRRRR. I suck! PS: My music and I: Why do I never know which one is which? sabolabSeverineSeverine Baronambientmusicelectroniccompositioncomposing